Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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