he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
