I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
