Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
