there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
