dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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