I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
