i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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