Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
