I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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