Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
