if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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