I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
