I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
