My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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