Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
