just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
