someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
