I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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