the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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