Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
