At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
