It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
