Where did you get a picture of my penis
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
