you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
