Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i think my cat just said my name.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
