i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
