Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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