I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
