gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
