Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize