I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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