i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sobbing to NWA
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
