Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
