tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
