Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
