I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
