I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
