don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
