it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
