The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We were destined to go to rehab together
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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