Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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