My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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