I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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