my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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