Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
