wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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