We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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