also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
