member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This baby is an asshole
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
