Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
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If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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