so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
