There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
