My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
