My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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