thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
