So drunk, too bad you don't want this
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So apparently I’m into choking now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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