I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
