i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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