Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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