She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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